Ebenezers

This morning I had breakfast and a Forum of Four with a man with whom I am deepening a friendship. While we were in a familiar passage for me (Gal. 2:20), today I found new insights: “I have been utterly estranged from (dead to) my former habit of feeling and action.”

More often than not in this season of my life I feel as though I am having success with my actions. They do not consistently reflect me engaging in patterns of sin. Still, as I pondered this morning, the word feeling was the one that stood out. There are times in my life today where it is difficult for me to “feel” differently. I recently secured a new job as Executive Director and as a result have had great cause to act differently. People rely on me to make the hard decisions and it seems as though I am making them pretty well. People have even noticed and asked me about the difficulty they have seen me face and that feels good. However, today it all just feels exceedingly hard. I feel that I am struggling with my emotions and it feels as though they are winning… Today I need an Ebenezer.

Eb·en·e·zer [eb-uh-nee-zer]

–noun a male given name: from a Hebrew word meaning “stone of help.”

Today I want to see a stone like Samuel “…set it up between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.” 1 Sa. 7:12

Today I need to be recall where God has met me on my journey and be reminded of how he has helped me… The following is the stone I read to remind me of truth today.

Contempt has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and why not? I was raised in a poor home, experienced abuse as a child, had shame messages fill my youth and as a result adopted contempt as a necessary friend to help me counteract the always present feeling of worthlessness. It could look like anything from a silent arrogant disdain of the perceived stupidity of others, to a passionate exchange of words in anger. But, it made sense to me. I could occupy a self-righteous place of condescension and like a Vicodin in the body of one suffering a broken bone; contempt would cause my pain to deaden to the real harm that lay beneath.

In recent years I have come to enjoy genuine relationships in my life. Not just superficial friendships, but ones where life on life conversations happen; where confrontation occurs, repentance takes place and forgiveness is offered. During this time I have received feedback about my contempt. The harm and distance felt by others. How it alienated those who I wanted to be close to and how it just hurt those who I cared for and longed to connect with. So I pondered a drastic step. At the New Year’s party my daughter was hosting, she put up an elaborate canvas and on it asked everyone to write one word of vision for the coming year. More than a New Year’s resolution, this word was to be one of a preferable future a goal to a more abundant life. I had heard and believed that gratitude was the antidote to contempt and I was tired of seeing the faces of others I cared for as they bore my scorn. I knew that what I needed to pursue was Gratitude so on the canvas in big bold silver letters I wrote my one word of vision: GRATITUDE.

Evil would not relent as the year began and trials seemed to come without relief. I’ll never forget the call that March when my brother shared that my father, who had been battling with Cancer, was failing quickly. The next week I officiated at his funeral. Gratitude seemed elusive but something was stirring inside of me even if it was nothing more than a belief that a thankful heart was possible. Then it happened, “We need to eliminate your position from the books.” The phrase came mid-way through the year and it represented a very significant fear in my life: being unemployed. Yet the first words I held in my heart were “Thank You God.” I didn’t utter the words, for it would take time to fully weigh what had just happened; the risk of losing my home, the inability to assist my two oldest children with college, the fear of not being able to meet the financial needs of my wife and children all were real possibilities, but I could not escape the peace I was feeling and I was grateful to see the Lord leading me in such a clear and powerful way.

I could share more of the trials that came that year in an attempt to justify what was hard and why I believed I had reasons to release my contempt on my world. But in a way beyond belief, even to me, that was not what I chose most often. Sharing with you about contempt is not meant to provide opportunity for you to compare my situation to yours. Comparison is always about contempt and you will always be able to find someone in better or worse circumstances. Nor is it just looking for a silver lining, or even worse simply not being in touch with the tragedy that life often brings. For me gratitude stems from the deep and unshakable belief that I am loved and God is for me. I can release the need to defend myself. I can relax in the freedom that the next thing is going to be better and even though the next thing may take months to find (I was unemployed for five months that year) He will sustain you on the journey. Contempt is the work of the evil one to keep you isolated and alone. When contemptuous I make it difficult for anyone to enjoy being with me, but the tranquility that comes when I speak words of appreciation from a truly thankful heart allures others to join me in celebration. Gratitude has truly given me a new hold on possibility and allowed others to enjoy me without the vile contempt that once was ever present.

I have so very much for which to be thankful. Today I needed to look back and be reminded of that. Thank You God, Thank You!